Love Thyself and Stop Overcompensating...

This is by no means a psychological article.

This is just my own musings about confidence and self-esteem.

According to Matthew Hussey, my life-coach/role model, there are three levels to self-confidence.

The first level is the first impression we leave - How we look, how we sound, how we smell, how we carry ourselves around other people. This level is very shallow, the easiest level to "fake it till you make it".

The second level is our relationships, careers, wealth - all the tangible and intangible wealth that makes up our sense of happiness and pride. This level is more solid, somewhat in the middle, building our sense of self-respect and worth.

The most intense level at the core is whatever's left when all other levels are stripped away. This is essentially how much we love and believe in ourselves. How much strength do you have to start from ground zero, when you have nobody to lean on, no wealth, no physical beauty, no accomplishments to boast of? Let me call this the "core" for all intent and purposes.

I had a long chat with a new friend last night about these levels. As a pronounced pessimist, he believes that environment and experiences shaped the "core". We might not have much control over how strong the core is.

Here's what I think about this core...

It is undeniable that our "core" is largely shaped by our experiences. How much our loved ones believed in us, valued us; our religion or faith in humanity, largely fostered the basic foundation of that core. An abusive family, a traumatic childhood, critical parents, indulgent lifestyle are slowly making cracks on that core. Essentially, I believe all of us are damaged at the "core".

We are all pursuing different goals in life to compensate for these damages or scratches maybe...

A nerd like me who was never properly recognized for my physical looks or other virtues might be adamant and obsessive about my academic or professional accomplishment. Just because it seems to be my only successful source of self-esteem.

A man who felt weak in spirit might be subconsciously overcompensating for his lack of strength by obsessing over weight training to be a tougher muscle-man.

Someone who doesn't felt his/her opinions were properly heard might seek a musical instrument or writing to channel that energy.

Someone who felt insecure about their self-worth might love wearing branded items to attract the attention that they felt deprived off.

Someone who was diffident about their opinions or intelligence might be very sarcastic or defensive just to hide the fact.

I call this the "overcompensating" defense mechanism...

If you notice that you're doing it... find that inner deprivation or wound in your core, and work on filling it with something you love. We are all unique individuals with special talents, experiences, personalities and emotions. All of these are our hidden star powers.

We should be proud of who we are and go out to the world with a perfect, shining core confidence. Stop doubting and just believe that you can whoever, whatever you want to be. Our circumstances will always be challenging in their own ways.

The century-old debate of adversity or privileges contributes more to character is pointless. Attitude is the only deciding factor. We have to seize the day and make the best of what we have.

My life-coach said, when we look into the mirror, we should see our best friend, not a "loser" that we condemn. We should be supportive, and not harsh on the poor soul who's trying really hard.

True story example: Huiying was really hungry and craving chips....oops..she ate half a bag without noticing it!!!

Bad example: Critical Huiying came out and started condemning Huiying for that horrible act. She was so bad that it's hopeless that she will ever be fit or healthy. In response, Huiying acknowledged the "hopelessness" of the situation and finished the entire bag of chips, completely ignoring her resolution to adopt a healthy diet.

Good example: Kind Huiying forgave her silly mishap. She was encouraging in saying "it's only half a bag, we can still go back to healthy food choices. Let's drink some water, wash it down, and find something fun to do for a workout. It's fine to have cravings, we can eat a smaller dinner today. "

See the difference? We all need to be the encouraging, supportive force for everyone around us, especially ourselves. Love is all we need, especially what our own soul needs.

If you have spent all your life pleasing someone else for your self-esteem, STOP.

You deserve this care and love for yourself.

Love thyself properly so you may have a greater capacity to love another.

If you can't find a reason to love yourself, talk to someone who loves you, like your MOM.

And greatest of all, our Heavenly Father God Himself is always there, closer than we ever thought.

If my ramblings incited your anger or joy or sorrow and you wanna chat/debate about them, talk to me ;)

But for now, encouraging Huiying is calling me to bed so I may start tomorrow with a more loving and energetic smile :)